Faith in Parenting

Today was haircut day, and my son’s hairstyle is a little longer than I’d have chosen myself - that is, if I were the one calling the shots on his hairstyle.

Why aren’t I calling the shots?

Well, some would call it a compromise; others might call it the dumbing down of parental expectations. I think of it as “choosing my battles.”

With all the expectations he already has to live up to - things like saying “No” to Teen games like Guitar Hero, even when all his friends are playing it - I think supporting his own freedom of expression in an area as innocuous as a hairstyle is a positive thing.

See, we can maintain our influence as parents even when we make intentional decisions to support our kids’ independence. We need to realize this truth, or we’ll start to panic and declare rule after rule in areas that don’t even matter to us!

What do you think? Where have you made an intentional decision about a “battle” or two, and ended up feeling really good about it?

Remember, too, that there’s a vast difference between choosing - which is work and requires us to think on the issue for a bit - and ignoring an issue altogether.

Lord, give us your wisdom as we consider those areas where we can support our kids’ growing independence, and those areas where we need to exert our authority as moms and lead our children in a different direction. Above all, may your will be done in their lives, and may we be your instrument in guiding them. Amen.

Today’s Tuesdays at 2:00 call was about being a positive role model for our kids. When you think about it, we’re “on” 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. That’s a lot of pressure to set the right example for our kids!

Before you listen to the call, though, I have to tell you something: My kids had a snow day today!

(Now, I know I can be “real” with you, so I don’t feel self-conscious about the noises and distractions you’ll hear on the recording; but I mention it for any visitors who may be listening in for the first time… Setting up car tracks, dispensing snacks, and kissing boo-boos aren’t typical installments of our weekly support call!)

So during the call, we brainstormed a myriad of ways in which we influence our kids: Our Personal Spiritual Growth, Living a Healthy Lifestyle, Managing Our Own Emotions, Taking Care of Ourselves, Maintaining Our Relationships, and Being Financially Responsible, just to name a few.

Our natural tendency might be to start exploring this topic by focusing on those areas where we feel we need some improvement. While that may be a natural first reaction, imagine - instead - exploring the areas where we really excel at being role models to our kids.

If you had to name three areas where you know you’re leaving a positive stamp on your kids’ lives, what would your response be?

See, I think that if we think about it, we’re going to come up with a lot of areas where we already shine at being good role models for our kids!

So what do you notice about these areas where you shine? What makes being a positive role model easier for you in these areas?

Now take it a step further and spend some time this week thinking about these areas and looking at what makes them stand out for you. Is it your passion? Experience? Take notice of the gifts that you bring in these areas, which make your parenting stand out (because you can bet that the areas where you shine don’t necessarily come as easily to everyone else).

As for the areas where you still feel you need improvement, be forgiving of yourself. See if there is anything you can learn from the areas where you do excel, and begin to take baby steps in the direction you want to change.

In addition, realize that it’s a process. No one - including God - expects you to be a perfect mom! We all face challenges, and at the end of the day, in most matters, it’s how we handle our perceived failures that carries the most weight.

(See, even in that we can be positive role models for our kids of what it means to repent and to forgive!)

As parents, we influence our kids in so many ways. Whether we’re intentional about it or not, we shape who they are, and who they are becoming.

Do you think about that much - that we serve as 24-hour Role Models to our children? What do they see? Where do we shine as role models, and what might we need to work on?

That’s our topic for this week’s Tuesdays at 2:00 support call for Christian moms: Being a Positive Role Model for Our Kids.

Directions for Joining Us on the Weekly Support Call:

• Date: Tuesday, January 22, 2008
• Time: 2:00-2:35 PM (ET)
• Telephone Number: (218) 486-1300
• Access Code: 669379

Hope to “see” you there. And if you have any questions before then, feel free to contact me.

Blessings,

Jennifer

I happened to catch part of Larry King Live last night, as he was speaking with guest Elisabeth Hasselbeck. He was commenting on how she’s no longer “the new kid on the block” at The View, and they spoke for a moment about how she has grown to be more comfortable in her role.

Now here’s the part I want us to think about… When she spoke about learning not to be so hard on herself, she said:

“A lot of that has to do with being a mom. I feel as though I put less pressure on myself in some areas. And as I like to say, the big things got bigger and the small things got smaller to me. I feel like I have a little bit more even keel perspective on things.”

Hmm… “The big things got bigger and the small things got smaller…” I think that’s something we should really think about!

1. What are some of the superficial “big things” that used to take up all your time and emotional energy before you became a mom? How have those superficial “big things” gotten smaller?
2. What has replaced them? What are the real “big things” in your life, and how have they gotten bigger since having children?
3. How do you maintain balance in your life so that the superficial things don’t become more important than they should?

If this message is something that resonates with you, take some time today to jot down your thoughts in a journal. It’s a great way to cement new ideas and thoughts in your heart so that what you learn from them can easily seep into your day-to-day actions.

“No” is a word that, by necessity, our kids tend to hear quite often. Some recent examples from the Wolf house include:   “No, you can’t eat chocolate chips at 9:00 in the morning,” “No, you can’t bring all of your Webkinz into school for Show and Tell,” “No, you can not bring your Gameboy on the school bus,” and “No, you can not stay up late tonight, even if you’re on the most exciting chapter!”

So how can we mix it up so that our kids don’t tune us out entirely when they hear “no” yet another time?

In addition to the Plain Old “No,” here are four different ways of saying “No” to our kids:

1. No with a redirect - For example, “No, let’s play a game/read a book/play outside instead.”
2. No with an explanation - “No, we’re not going to rent that movie because some of the jokes aren’t appropriate for kids.”
3. No with a compromise - “No, but you’re welcome to invite your friends over here to play ‘E’ games.”
4. No with added responsibility - “Not at this time. If you’re really serious about this, though, I’d like to see you work toward it by… (taking care of your hamster…doing your chores without being asked…etc.)”

These are just a few ideas for mixing up the manner in which we say “No” to our kids. And remember, upholding our boundaries as parents is really important. Our kids need to hear “No,” so this message is not about dumbing down our limits. But the more we can involve our kids in the process, the more they can feel “heard” by us, which is one more step in equipping them to listen and meet our expectations -and that, after all, is the goal.

For more tips on dealing with this issue, visit the “Tuesdays at 2:00″ support call archive and listen to the audio recording of our discussion.

Saying “No” is something we do a lot as parents, isn’t it? Whether you’re guiding a toddler or a teen, there’s no escaping “no, no, no.”

But if no is something our kids again and again, how can we be sure we have their attention when we’re using it? Are there other ways to say no?

Variations on Saying “No” - Mixing it Up and Keeping it Interesting is the topic for this week’s Tuesdays at 2:00 support call.

To join us, simply call (218) 486-1300 and enter the code 669379 at 2:00 pm (Eastern Standard Time) on Tuesday, January 15, 2008. Participation is absolutely free, other than any long distance charges you may incur.

Directions for Joining Us on the Weekly Support Call:

• Date: Tuesday, January 15, 2008
• Time: 2:00-2:35 PM (ET)
• Telephone Number: (218) 486-1300
• Access Code: 669379

As always, if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to contact me.

Blessings,

Jennifer

Where do you find movie reviews you can count on? This is a question that came up during our most recent Tuesdays at 2:00 support call. Here are two sites that I really like and have found to be very beneficial in helping me to evaluate kids’ movies, music, and books:

PluggedInOnline.org: This resource is a ministry of Focus on the Family. The Web site includes both movie reviews and music reviews. For movies, the reviewers provide a synopsis, as well as a breakdown of the film’s spiritual content, questionable elements, and their conclusion regarding the overall quality of the film for young viewers. Likewise, music reviews provide detailed descriptions of questionable content, include song lyrics. (Great for helping your teen take a critical look at the message of Kid Rock’s “Rock n Roll Jesus.”)

CommonSenseMedia.org: I also like this site for previewing the content of books my son would like to read. Though the reviews are not necessarily written from a Christian world view, I have found the site to be especially helpful because it includes book reviews - in addition to movies - that are written by parents, as well as kids. Each review includes suggested age ranges, too, which can be really helpful in determining whether a particular movie would be appropriate for all of the children in your household.

What other review sites have you found helpful? Share them with readers here on the blog by leaving a comment below.

This week on our weekly telephone support call for Christian moms, we talked about how we can all be intentional about entering our kids’ world. To listen in on the call, click “Support Call Archive” to your right. (The archive page will always include the support call recordings for the most recent four-week period.)

Being a kid today is a lot different from when we were young ourselves. Therefore, as parents, we can’t just rely on our own our experiences growing up to guide us. So what can we do to enter our kids’ world?

Here is a list of things you can do to be intentional about putting yourself in your kids’ shoes on a regular basis:

1. Watch TV With Your Kids. If you tend to use your kids’ TV time to get some other things done around the house, you’re not alone! But taking the time to be intentional about watching some shows together can be a real eye-opener. You’ll not only find out what’s most attractive to your child about his/her favorite TV shows, but you might also find yourself learning the source of some of your kids’ newly-developed phrases, like “Oh, snap!”I personally like to watch TV with my kids to help them evaluate some of the programs they’d like to watch regularly. For us, this has led to some really meaningful conversations about how we treat one another and whether what we choose to watch mirrors how we act in real life.

   As adults, we can separate the two, but that’s harder to do for young children. (So when they watch Sponge Bob belittle Squidward, it’s easy to get the idea that that’s how friends behave in the real world.) Taking the time to watch a show that I may not personally care for, and then talking about it together, has also helped my kids understand why we’ve chosen not to let them watch certain shows on a regular basis.

2. Play Video Games With Them. In the same way, playing video games together is a great way to be a part of your child’s world. For one thing, it lets your child see you in a completely different light! (I happen to be quite skilled at NASCAR, according to my 8-year-old.) Playing your kids’ favorite games together also lets you know what the game world is all about. I especially encourage this for parents whose kids play “Teen” or “Mature” games.My personal stance is that my 8-year-old is only allowed to play “E” (for “Everyone ages 6 and older”) games. Part of this is because, aside from the more mature humor on most “Teen” games, some “T” and “M” video games will actually reward a player’s performance with material that would be inappropriate for a younger child to experience. This is why you need to play the game for yourself. In addition, research each of your kids’ video games on www.esrb.org to find out why, specifically, they were given that particular rating.
3. Visit Web Sites They Frequent. Similarly, you’re going to want to visit the Web sites your kids go to. What we’ve done is “bookmark” all of the sites our kids are allowed to go to, and then they know that they have to access sites through their bookmarked listings. In addition, go ahead and get on Webkinz and Club Penguin. See for yourself what’s involved so that you can make informed decisions about what online activities are permissible for your kids.
4. Read the Books They’re Reading. This can be another great way to connect with your kids and learn even more about what they’re into in this season of their lives. If you think about it, when our kids are little, we spend a lot of time helping them find books and activities that compliment their interests. (Remember reading book after book on trucks?) As our kids get older, they start doing the thing we hoped they’d do - they read what interests them! And one way for us to keep up with their ever-changing interests and curiosities is to read along with them. So grab one of your kids’ chapter books and see what it is they’re into!

I addition, all of us need to remember that stepping into our kids’ world is a process. It requires us to be intentional and, at times, to do things that may not always suit our personal interests. But the payoff is huge! Because taking the time to ’step into’ our kids’ world on a regular basis enhances our deep and ever-developing connection.

Hey, Tuesdays at 2:00 are back!  (We took a two-week break for the holidays.)

This week, we’re going to talk about how to enter your child’s world.  On one hand, you may think “Duh, I’m there 24/7!”  But how about seeing it from your child’s point of view?

Some of the things we’ll talk about are aspects of kids culture in 2008 - things like TV programs, video games, movies, and more.  There are a whole host of things that influence our kids, and if we’re really going to connect with our kids for the long haul, and understand the secular world they’re coming up in, we have to be intentional about entering that “world” on a regular basis.

To join us for the weekly support call, just dial in at 2:00 p.m. on Tuesday, January 8.  “See” you then!

Directions for Joining Us on the Weekly Support Call:

• Date: Tuesday, January 8, 2008
• Time: 2:00-2:35 PM (ET)
• Telephone Number: (218) 486-1300
• Access Code: 669379

As always, if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to contact me.

Blessings,

Jennifer

What are your family’s New Years Resolutions? I did a little poking around the Internet today to see if I couldn’t find a concise list of moms’ top resolutions. Here’s a list of the five most common themes I noticed:

1. I’m finally going to lose those last ten pounds
2. I’m going to keep my house clean
3. I’m going to finish the kids’ scrapbooks
4. I’m going to manage my time better
5. I’m going to begin a daily spiritual practice (such as doing daily devotions, a gratitude journal, etc.)

Don’t get me wrong; these are good. But sometimes the very language we choose when we come up with these goals sets us up to fail. I mean, what do words like “finally” and “better” suggest? That we stink in these areas right now, and that’s why we’ve listed them on our resolutions, right?

So let’s start to take a look at our resolutions in a different light. I’m going to walk you through a three-step process for revising your resolutions. To learn more, listen to this week’s recorded support call on revising our resolutions for 2008.

Step 1: Look at what’s behind the resolution. What’s the real intent? Then, ask yourself whether you agree with it and want to pursue it.

For example, for me, the real intent behind wanting to loose weight is taking better care of myself. When I look at it that way, I see a whole slew of possible ways I can begin to take better care of myself. It’s not really about the number on the scale; it’s about feeling better and having more energy.

Step 2: Rephrase the resolution so that the language is freeing, as opposed to being something that makes you feel guilty or lacking.

In regards to the above example, I can rephrase my goal as simply taking care of myself. Boy, does that sound like a lot more fun than “losing weight!” I can really get excited about the idea of taking care of myself. How about you?

Step 3: Break it down into manageable baby-steps.

For example, I can drink more water, make a point of planning out my lunches (rather than eating Christmas cookies!), and walk three times a week. And these are much more doable, manageable, measurable baby-steps in the right direction.

You can apply this three-step process to just about any resolutions you come up with. But remember, take baby steps, and give yourself permission to start again any time you need to. Let’s not say our resolution is to read the Bible everyday, skip January 2nd, and then give up on the whole year. (C’mon, I know you’re out there. I’ve done it, too!)

Instead, give yourself permission to start again, even if it means starting over each and every day. Resolutions - and life itself, if you’re paying attention - are about the process. So let’s be determined to enjoy the process, and pay attention to our progress, not just the “finish line.”

One final word about creating doable resolutions: Don’t try to do it all at once. If you have a list of five or six areas you’d like you work on this year, don’t put pressure on yourself to incorporate all those changes at the same time.  Instead, work on them one at a time until your new habits build on and support one another.

Realize, too, that you don’t have to do it all alone. If you’d like to talk with me about one-on-one coaching in setting and following through on your goals for this year, give me a call at (616) 499-3376 or send me an e-mail, and I will get back to you.