Faith in Parenting

This week on our weekly telephone support call for Christian moms, we talked about how we can all be intentional about entering our kids’ world. To listen in on the call, click “Support Call Archive” to your right. (The archive page will always include the support call recordings for the most recent four-week period.)

Being a kid today is a lot different from when we were young ourselves. Therefore, as parents, we can’t just rely on our own our experiences growing up to guide us. So what can we do to enter our kids’ world?

Here is a list of things you can do to be intentional about putting yourself in your kids’ shoes on a regular basis:

1. Watch TV With Your Kids. If you tend to use your kids’ TV time to get some other things done around the house, you’re not alone! But taking the time to be intentional about watching some shows together can be a real eye-opener. You’ll not only find out what’s most attractive to your child about his/her favorite TV shows, but you might also find yourself learning the source of some of your kids’ newly-developed phrases, like “Oh, snap!”I personally like to watch TV with my kids to help them evaluate some of the programs they’d like to watch regularly. For us, this has led to some really meaningful conversations about how we treat one another and whether what we choose to watch mirrors how we act in real life.

   As adults, we can separate the two, but that’s harder to do for young children. (So when they watch Sponge Bob belittle Squidward, it’s easy to get the idea that that’s how friends behave in the real world.) Taking the time to watch a show that I may not personally care for, and then talking about it together, has also helped my kids understand why we’ve chosen not to let them watch certain shows on a regular basis.

2. Play Video Games With Them. In the same way, playing video games together is a great way to be a part of your child’s world. For one thing, it lets your child see you in a completely different light! (I happen to be quite skilled at NASCAR, according to my 8-year-old.) Playing your kids’ favorite games together also lets you know what the game world is all about. I especially encourage this for parents whose kids play “Teen” or “Mature” games.My personal stance is that my 8-year-old is only allowed to play “E” (for “Everyone ages 6 and older”) games. Part of this is because, aside from the more mature humor on most “Teen” games, some “T” and “M” video games will actually reward a player’s performance with material that would be inappropriate for a younger child to experience. This is why you need to play the game for yourself. In addition, research each of your kids’ video games on www.esrb.org to find out why, specifically, they were given that particular rating.
3. Visit Web Sites They Frequent. Similarly, you’re going to want to visit the Web sites your kids go to. What we’ve done is “bookmark” all of the sites our kids are allowed to go to, and then they know that they have to access sites through their bookmarked listings. In addition, go ahead and get on Webkinz and Club Penguin. See for yourself what’s involved so that you can make informed decisions about what online activities are permissible for your kids.
4. Read the Books They’re Reading. This can be another great way to connect with your kids and learn even more about what they’re into in this season of their lives. If you think about it, when our kids are little, we spend a lot of time helping them find books and activities that compliment their interests. (Remember reading book after book on trucks?) As our kids get older, they start doing the thing we hoped they’d do - they read what interests them! And one way for us to keep up with their ever-changing interests and curiosities is to read along with them. So grab one of your kids’ chapter books and see what it is they’re into!

I addition, all of us need to remember that stepping into our kids’ world is a process. It requires us to be intentional and, at times, to do things that may not always suit our personal interests. But the payoff is huge! Because taking the time to ’step into’ our kids’ world on a regular basis enhances our deep and ever-developing connection.

Hey, Tuesdays at 2:00 are back!  (We took a two-week break for the holidays.)

This week, we’re going to talk about how to enter your child’s world.  On one hand, you may think “Duh, I’m there 24/7!”  But how about seeing it from your child’s point of view?

Some of the things we’ll talk about are aspects of kids culture in 2008 - things like TV programs, video games, movies, and more.  There are a whole host of things that influence our kids, and if we’re really going to connect with our kids for the long haul, and understand the secular world they’re coming up in, we have to be intentional about entering that “world” on a regular basis.

To join us for the weekly support call, just dial in at 2:00 p.m. on Tuesday, January 8.  “See” you then!

Directions for Joining Us on the Weekly Support Call:

• Date: Tuesday, January 8, 2008
• Time: 2:00-2:35 PM (ET)
• Telephone Number: (218) 486-1300
• Access Code: 669379

As always, if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to contact me.

Blessings,

Jennifer

Luke 2:15-20

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

John 10:11

I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.

Reflections:

When has your life gone exactly according to your plan? Can we even name one occasion, one family vacation, even one holiday gathering that went off without a hitch? It’s hard to come up with, isn’t it?

Fortunately, we’ve learned to be flexible and accommodate changes in our routines and plans. In fact, I think we almost expect something to go wrong. After all, we’ve become so accustomed to not having our expectations met, that when something goes smoothly, it’s surprising.

When I look at this passage, it occurs to me that perhaps the shepherds felt like that, too, to some extent. Why else would Luke point out that the shepherds praised God for all that they had seen and heard, and specifically mention that the events took place exactly as they’d been told they would?

It’s interesting. And it also reminds me that there’s another plan that won’t go awry, that you - like the shepherds - can share with others. It’s the story of how God is drawing you to Him, calling you to follow with all of your heart, mind, and soul. Do you sense it?

There are many names for Jesus in the Bible, and one of them is The Good Shepherd. That’s because He takes care of his sheep. How do we know if we’re one of His sheep? Well, in John 10:27, Jesus said, “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” Do we listen for Him? And do we respond to his voice?  Do our actions change as a result of knowing him?

Let’s think on that this season, for He is still calling, leading, and caring for us, just as a shepherd cares for his flock. The question is: How will we respond?

Lord, help us to hear your voice and take even just one step in the direction of following you with our whole hearts. We know you are there, gently and loving calling to us. Thank you for never giving up or turning away from your children. Amen.

This week’s Tuesdays at 2:00 support call focused on how we can get our kids to cooperate from their hearts, rather than in an effort to avoid a consequence or gain a reward (though there are certainly times and places for those!).

To listen in on the call, visit the support call archive and listen to the call labeled Getting Kids to Cooperate With a Willing Spirit.

During the call, we talked about:

1. Setting the Stage for Cooperation - These strategies included making sure our kids are getting enough rest, setting clear expectations, tending to our own self-care, knowing our own limits, and looking at external influences on our kids (such as whether playing with a certain friend results in a hyper-sensitive, worn-out child; or whether eating foods with corn syrup or food coloring has an impact on your child’s behavior).
2. Affirming the Positive - Letting your kids know it when you notice their cooperation. (We talked about the need to start an “Acknowledging Random Acts of Kindness” campaign!)
3. Be Consistent - Note that this is separate from nagging. Nagging is when we say “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,… Next time…” and then never follow through on it. What we’re doing instead is noticing a behavior, such as whining or having a poor attitude when you make a request, and intentionally helping our kids replace it with a more positive option. It’s about shaping their character for their good, not just our convenience.
4. Giving Them Our Attention - Begin to notice how giving your kids the gift of your attention impacts their level of cooperation. I think you’ll find that your attention is a powerful, powerful tool at your disposal! Remember, their cooperation is an extension of our attention.
5. Give Them Tools for Negotiating a Compromise - Lastly, take the time to explicitly teach your kids how to respond to a request by positively, respectfully, and calmly asking you to consider an alternative. This is a life-skill our kids need, and we can teach it to them right here at home in a way that makes cooperation a win-win for both of you. There’s nothing wrong with working out a compromise that suits both of you as long as you teach your child how to respectfully suggest the alternative solution.

Friends, we need a better strategy for getting our kids to cooperate at this time of year than singing Santa Claus is Coming to Town. (You know, “You’d better watch out, you’d better not pout…”).

What works to get your kids to cooperate from their hearts? Not with reluctance or an expression of exasperation.

Part of the family culture we want to cultivate is one in which each member of the family contributes to the good of the whole, where we’re helpful to one another out of love and willing service, not just because of the threat of consequences or the hope of rewards.

So how do we accomplish that? That’s our topic for this week’s Tuesdays at 2:00 call: Getting Kids to Cooperate with a Willing Spirit.

If you’re feeling a bit worn out at this point in the holiday season, if you’re tired of repeating yourself and wondering whether anyone is listening at all, this week’s topic is for you!

To join us, just call in to the conference line at 2:00 p.m. EST on Tuesday. It’s free to participate; the only cost to you is, potentially, a long distance telephone call.

Directions for Joining Us on the Weekly Support Call:

• Date: Tuesday, December 11, 2007
• Time: 2:00-2:35 PM (ET)
• Telephone Number: (218) 486-1300
• Access Code: 669379

As always, if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to contact me.

Blessings,

Jennifer

I’m so excited! Today and tomorrow I’ll be attending the Hearts at Home conference with some women from my church!

I have to confess, though, that as I write this, I’ve already begun to dig into the snacks I’m preparing to bring along. (Sorry roomies! I won’t eat them all before 4 p.m.!)

Why the snacks? (Yes, how is that I know we’ll be hungry at 11:00 tonight? I don’t usually eat salsa and chips at that time…)

Well, actually, I based my purchases on past conference and camp experiences. And so that got me thinking about something…

I’m packing snacks like a kid heading off to camp. What if I packed my heart the same way?

The Word says we must receive the Gospel of Jesus Christ as a child, right? With the faith of a child - eager, expectant, open. What if I brought that same enthusiasm to whatever I might experience, learn, or participate in at this weekend’s women’s retreat? How much more meaningful might my worship be, and how much might that influence my life back home when I return?

I know it’s hard for us to pick up and leave our little ones. Part of my procrastination in packing the rest of my things has to do with a reluctance to leave, even though I know they’re in good hands!

But the truth is, we need to be nourished spiritually as moms! And taking some time “away” to allow for that inner growth is more than just O.K., it’s a responsibility.

So how about you? What are you going to be doing this weekend? Where can you fit in a break from the everyday to get away, worship the Lord, and see what He has to teach you at this time in your life?

You could:

• Swap playdates with a friend and spend some time alone with God, reading through the verses shared in this week’s Tuesdays at 2:00
• Listen to the audio of your favorite pastor or radio ministry
• Use your church’s nursery this Sunday so that you can focus your attention on Him during worship
• Read a book by one of your favorite Christian authors

There are many ways to nourish your soul. However you choose to respond to that tug in your chest that says “Come closer,” I encourage you to go ahead and do it. Don’t wait for the perfect time!

See, I think that’s part of what He meant when He said we should come “as little children.” Notice that the next time you’re going somewhere as a family. They’re not worried one bit about what they’re wearing, whether they’re prepared, or whether things appear “perfect.” They just take the next step! And that’s what we can do, as well.

If this is something you feel you need help with, feel free to contact me or make plans to join us for the next Tuesdays at 2:00 support call for Christian moms.

Blessings,

Jennifer

One truth about being a Christian parent is this: If we want our kids to listen to the faith lessons we so much want to share with them, we have to equally listen to them.

I’m not talking about giving in, or agreeing with whatever they say, or befriending them. No, I’m simply reminding you of something I’m sure you know already: Our kids need to feel heard.

One way we reveal our tremendous love for them is to truly hear them out, listen to them, ingest - if you will - what they have to say. It’s a basic part of accepting who they are! And if we don’t accept them and celebrate who they are as individuals, we’re going to have a hard time sharing the love of Christ with them, aren’t we?

So how do we show our kids that we’re listening to them?

Think about what already works well with your kids. Are they most likely to open up when you’re doing something special together? Do you tend to stop whatever else you’re doing to let them know that you’re listening? Make a point of making eye contact or turning off any distractions, like the TV or even the phone?

These are great ways to practice really listening to your kids. And today I want to introduce something else: Nothing. Yes, that’s right. A little nothing. Well, that’s not really true, because I wouldn’t call it empty space. But it is an intentional pause.

It’s the space between hearing about a problem and solving it. Do you know what I mean by that? There ought to be some time in between what our kids are saying to us, and our suggestions/evaluations/ opinions/declarations/etc. Of course we mean well when we want to solve any problems our kids experience, but rattling off a “to do” list at them in the moment that they’ve chosen to share something with us doesn’t convey the message that they’ve been heard.

Instead, try making some reassuring sounds like “Hmmm…” and “I see…” to let your child know that you’re paying attention. Then, once he’s done talking, ask some open-ended questions, like “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you think about that?”

See, part of this is about trust, too. We have to trust our kids that they know what’s right. In a lot of what they’re dealing with, they have the skills and abilities to respond in ways that are aligned with their character. And when you listen and follow that listening with some open-ended questions, you’re giving your child a powerful opportunity: the chance to come up with a plan of action, say it out loud, and set it in motion. In the end, what they come up with, with our support, is something that they’re more likely to follow through on than all the well-intentioned ideas we tend to throw at them.

Practice it. And I don’t mean the next time a big issue comes up, either! Start putting these skills into motion over the “little stuff” now, and it will come to you all the more naturally the next time you’re helping your child navigate “the big stuff.” So don’t wait! Come back and tell us your stories, too! Just click on the “comments” area below to share your insight.

Lord, help us to be parents who listen to our kids. Help us to seek out little opportunities to put everything else aside and let our kids know, by our physical presence and our attention, how much we love them. And Lord, help us, too, to trust that you’ve already equipped our kids with the skills they need, and equip us to support them as they put those skills and talents into action. Amen.