Faith in Parenting

One truth about being a Christian parent is this: If we want our kids to listen to the faith lessons we so much want to share with them, we have to equally listen to them.

I’m not talking about giving in, or agreeing with whatever they say, or befriending them. No, I’m simply reminding you of something I’m sure you know already: Our kids need to feel heard.

One way we reveal our tremendous love for them is to truly hear them out, listen to them, ingest - if you will - what they have to say. It’s a basic part of accepting who they are! And if we don’t accept them and celebrate who they are as individuals, we’re going to have a hard time sharing the love of Christ with them, aren’t we?

So how do we show our kids that we’re listening to them?

Think about what already works well with your kids. Are they most likely to open up when you’re doing something special together? Do you tend to stop whatever else you’re doing to let them know that you’re listening? Make a point of making eye contact or turning off any distractions, like the TV or even the phone?

These are great ways to practice really listening to your kids. And today I want to introduce something else: Nothing. Yes, that’s right. A little nothing. Well, that’s not really true, because I wouldn’t call it empty space. But it is an intentional pause.

It’s the space between hearing about a problem and solving it. Do you know what I mean by that? There ought to be some time in between what our kids are saying to us, and our suggestions/evaluations/ opinions/declarations/etc. Of course we mean well when we want to solve any problems our kids experience, but rattling off a “to do” list at them in the moment that they’ve chosen to share something with us doesn’t convey the message that they’ve been heard.

Instead, try making some reassuring sounds like “Hmmm…” and “I see…” to let your child know that you’re paying attention. Then, once he’s done talking, ask some open-ended questions, like “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you think about that?”

See, part of this is about trust, too. We have to trust our kids that they know what’s right. In a lot of what they’re dealing with, they have the skills and abilities to respond in ways that are aligned with their character. And when you listen and follow that listening with some open-ended questions, you’re giving your child a powerful opportunity: the chance to come up with a plan of action, say it out loud, and set it in motion. In the end, what they come up with, with our support, is something that they’re more likely to follow through on than all the well-intentioned ideas we tend to throw at them.

Practice it. And I don’t mean the next time a big issue comes up, either! Start putting these skills into motion over the “little stuff” now, and it will come to you all the more naturally the next time you’re helping your child navigate “the big stuff.” So don’t wait! Come back and tell us your stories, too! Just click on the “comments” area below to share your insight.

Lord, help us to be parents who listen to our kids. Help us to seek out little opportunities to put everything else aside and let our kids know, by our physical presence and our attention, how much we love them. And Lord, help us, too, to trust that you’ve already equipped our kids with the skills they need, and equip us to support them as they put those skills and talents into action. Amen.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 19th, 2007 at 6:02 pm and is filed under listening, parenting. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.